The healthiest and most mature reaction we can have when confronted with our own mistakes is often to pause, reflect, and apologise. However, this can feel incredibly difficult and uncomfortable. It’s why we sometimes find ourselves shifting the blame away from ourselves. In psychology, this is known as deflection, and it’s one of the most common ways we protect ourselves.
Understanding Deflection in Psychology: A Core Defence Mechanism
According to Sigmund Freud, individuals often use various defence mechanisms to protect themselves from difficult or anxiety-inducing thoughts. Deflection is one such mechanism.
Deflecting typically emerges in challenging conversations or situations where a person is confronted with their perceived mistakes. Instead of accepting responsibility and facing the uncomfortable moment head-on, the individual will try to shift the focus from themselves. This usually involves passing the blame onto someone or something else.
We all resort to deflection from time to time, especially as children learning about consequences. However, when deflection becomes a constant pattern, and someone consistently refuses to accept the outcomes of their actions, it can develop into an unhealthy pattern. This can impact not only the individual using deflection but also those they interact with.
Examples of Deflection in Daily Life
Even though we may not always be aware of them, examples of deflection can be found everywhere in day-to-day life, across all types of relationships.
- Deflection in romantic relationships: If you confront your partner about an issue, they might deflect by telling you that they only acted a certain way because you did something wrong or didn’t offer them enough attention.
- Deflection in friendships: When you try to discuss a negative behaviour with a friend, they might become defensive and belittle your feelings instead of listening.
- Deflection between family members: After explaining to a parent that their actions hurt you, they might respond by saying they didn’t do anything wrong and that it’s your fault for being too sensitive.
- Deflection in public settings: Politicians questioned about their lack of results might pass the blame to their predecessors or current circumstances.
- Deflection at work: A colleague who deflects might try to avoid looking bad in front of superiors, shifting the focus and blaming another employee for a negative outcome.
Why People Deflect: The Roots of This Behaviour
Although no one enjoys being on the receiving end of deflection, it’s important to remember that it isn’t an inborn trait – it’s a learned habit. We often first learn to deflect as children when we might lie about our actions to avoid getting into trouble. This is actually a normal part of development.
As adults, we can use deflection either consciously or unconsciously. In general, we deflect because we want to avoid feeling bad and taking a hit to our self-esteem. After all, it often feels easier to blame a colleague for an unsuccessful project than to admit it was our fault and risk looking bad in the eyes of a supervisor.
We might also deflect when we’re not yet ready to face certain emotions or memories that others bring up. This isn’t necessarily about wanting to harm others, but rather a way to protect ourselves. However, deflection can also be used as a manipulation technique, particularly by individuals with narcissistic personality traits, who may use it to exercise control over others by undermining their self-esteem.
Recognising the Signs: Is Someone Deflecting?
Identifying deflecting behaviour can help you navigate challenging interactions more effectively. Here are some signs that someone may be a deflector:
- Nothing is ever their fault: Whenever something goes wrong, they consistently pass the blame to someone or something else.
- Difficulty with conflict: They may appear visibly uncomfortable or shut down when talking about their mistakes or being confronted.
- Invalidating your experience: Every time you try to talk about their actions, they might dismiss your feelings, tell you that you misinterpreted things, or accuse you of being “too sensitive.”
- Your avoidance: After many unsuccessful attempts to address issues, you might find yourself avoiding confrontation altogether because it leaves you feeling guilty, frustrated, or unheard.
If you are struggling with these patterns in your relationships, please know that support is available. We can help you navigate these complex feelings and connect you with a professional.
Deflection and Narcissism: A Key Distinction
The main difference between deflection as a self-defence mechanism and deflection as a deliberate manipulation technique often lies in empathy. Individuals with narcissistic traits typically lack empathy. When they deflect blame onto the person who confronted them, they often aim to increase their control over that individual.
Quite often, deflection from a narcissistic individual is followed by an attack. This is because they often crave being right and will quickly start accusing you of things you may or may not have done. In some cases, individuals with narcissistic traits can go beyond deflection and use gaslighting – a manipulation technique that involves questioning the other person’s experiences, perceptions, or even their reality.
Navigating Deflecting Behaviour: Strategies for Healthy Communication
Interacting with a person who deflects can be incredibly frustrating. When this behaviour persists, it can make you question yourself and even contribute to feelings of anxiety or sadness. When a long-time friend, romantic partner, or relative deflects blame, it can leave you feeling that your voice doesn’t matter, or make you want to avoid direct confrontation altogether.
Here are some strategies for responding to deflection:
- Stay Calm and Patient: Once you’ve recognised that a person is deflecting, the most important thing to do is to try and remain calm. Losing your cool and starting an argument often legitimises the deflector’s feelings and can give them more material to continue their pattern. Instead, we encourage you to stay calm and use short, clear sentences to prevent the situation from escalating.
- Communicate Your Feelings: You can try to confront the deflector by clearly stating how their lack of acceptance affects your feelings. For example, you might say, “I feel hurt when you shift the blame, because it makes me feel unheard.” They may acknowledge this defence mechanism, and together you might explore ways they can overcome it.
- Set Boundaries and Limit Contact: Deflectors don’t always want to change. In those situations, we encourage you to accept that you cannot control their behaviour, only your reaction to it. Depending on the role they play in your life, you can try to set boundaries and limit contact with them. If the relationship is too toxic and significantly impacts your mental health, cutting all contact could be the most beneficial path for your long-term well-being.
- Focus on Facts, Not Blame: When discussing an issue, try to stick to factual observations rather than assigning blame. For instance, instead of “You always make us late,” try “We were late for the appointment today, and I’d like to understand how we can prevent that in the future.”
Actionable Tip: Responding to Deflection
When someone deflects, try these phrases:
- “I hear what you’re saying, but my experience is X.”
- “Let’s focus on the facts of what happened, rather than assigning blame.”
- “I understand you might feel attacked, but I need you to acknowledge how your actions impacted me.”
- “My concern is about [specific behaviour], not about you as a person.”
What if You’re the Deflector? Fostering Personal Growth
If you recognise yourself in the descriptions above, that’s actually a very positive sign! One of the hardest parts about deflecting is becoming aware that you’re doing it and committing to change. We believe that with self-awareness and effort, you can make significant progress in adopting healthier coping strategies.
To begin reducing deflection as a coping strategy, we recommend the following:
- Objective Reflection: Instead of letting yourself be controlled by your emotions, try to look at the conflict or situation objectively. What truly happened?
- Self-Awareness: Take a mental note of your first reaction when someone brings up a mistake or a difficult topic. Do you feel the urge to blame or shut down?
- Practice Openness: When someone points out a mistake, try to stay open and acknowledge their feelings instead of immediately assuming they’re wrong or shutting down. Consider saying, “Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I need to think about that.”
- Embrace Vulnerability: Allow yourself to be vulnerable and accept that it is perfectly normal to make mistakes. We all do.
Self-Awareness Challenge: Journaling for Growth
For the next week, try a journaling exercise focusing on instances where you felt defensive or tempted to deflect.
- Describe the situation: What happened? Who was involved?
- Your initial reaction: What was your first thought or feeling? Did you want to blame someone else?
- Underlying emotions: What emotions were you trying to avoid by deflecting (e.g., shame, fear, guilt, inadequacy)?
- Alternative response: What could you have said or done differently to take responsibility or engage more openly?
- Reflect: How did taking responsibility (even just in your journal) make you feel?
If you have been using deflection to cope with negative memories or experiences for years, breaking the pattern can feel hard. We want to reassure you that you don’t have to go through this alone. A therapist can provide a warm, empathetic space to help you understand why you resorted to deflection in the first place and suggest tailored, healthier coping strategies.
Your Therapy Journey: Addressing Deflection with Professional Guidance
At UK Therapy Guide, we understand that finding the right support is a crucial step in your journey toward personal growth and healthier relationships. We are here to transform the impersonal search for a therapist into a warm, reassuring, and confidence-building experience.
Connecting with a therapist can provide you with the tools and insights needed to address patterns of deflection, whether you are on the receiving end or recognise this behaviour in yourself. Our service is designed to match you with a vetted professional who truly understands your unique needs, helping you foster stronger, more authentic connections in your life.
We believe that seeking support is a sign of strength, and we are here to guide you every step of the way.
Frequently Asked Questions About Deflection
Is deflection always a bad thing?
Not always. Occasional deflection, especially in childhood, can be a normal part of development. However, when it becomes a consistent and unhealthy pattern, it can significantly impact relationships and personal growth. It’s about the frequency and the underlying intent.
How can I tell if someone is deflecting or genuinely misunderstanding me?
Deflection often involves a shift in blame, an attack, or an invalidation of your feelings. Genuine misunderstanding usually involves a willingness to listen, ask questions for clarity, and an eventual understanding or attempt to bridge the communication gap, rather than an immediate defensive reaction.
Can therapy help someone who is a habitual deflector?
Yes, absolutely. Therapy, particularly approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) or psychodynamic therapy, can help individuals understand the root causes of their deflection, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and learn to take responsibility for their actions and emotions, fostering significant personal growth.
What’s the difference between deflection and gaslighting?
Deflection is primarily about shifting blame away from oneself. Gaslighting is a more insidious form of manipulation where someone tries to make you question your own sanity, memory, or perception of reality, often by denying events that happened or twisting facts. While both are manipulative, gaslighting aims to disorient and control.